VENDETTA
What
kind of vandal writes "crime" on a wall? Either do your tag, draw some
crude genitalia or leave that poor wall alone. Actually, it might be
some kind of ironic artistic thing, because graffiti is, like, a crime,
man, so this "crime" I wrote is, like, an actual crime. Deep.The title screen serves its purpose nicely, though: even if you had no idea what Vendetta was about, in the world of 90s videogames graffiti only ever means that you're about to knock a thug's teeth down his throat. And when I say "you", I actually mean the game's protagonists (my noodly arms can barely push an envelope through a letterbox, let alone knock a guy's teeth out). Let's meet them now!
First
up is Blood: Cobras member, former boxer, sunglasses aficionado. I'm
going to classify him as the leader, purely because he occupies the "1P"
slot on the four-player cabinet. Oh, and he's wearing red which
automatically makes him the leader - have you never seen Power Rangers?
Second
in command is Hulk Hogan, currently running with a street gang under
the alias Hawk. He's winking at me. I... I don't like it, it's making me
uncomfortable.
Boomer!
My good buddy Boomer. He is Martial Arts. He doesn't practise martial
arts, he isn't a martial arts teacher - he simply is Martial Arts.
Unlike his smirking comrades, at least Boomer is taking this seriously,
unless his grimace is down to him being forced to wear the yellow shirt
which frankly does nothing for his skin-tone.
Finally
there's Sledge, who between his haircut and his designation as an
ex-military convict is giving off a strong Mr. T vibe. It seems a little
cruel to define him solely by his status as an ex-con. I'm sure he's
got other things going on in his life, too. Now I think about it, three
of the four characters are listed as ex-somethings. Is the Cobras gang,
in actuality, some kind of retirement facility? You guys have got to
stop living in the past, move on with you lives... but no time for this
motivational speech now, the plot is starting! Would you care to take a
guess as to what bold and exciting new direction the story will take?
A chick, specifically Hawk's "protégé" Kate, has been kidnapped by the villainous 
Has
the "kidnap your enemies’ most beloved female" plot ever worked?
Kidnapping Mike Haggar's daughter is a dumbass move, but in Vendetta we
have two gangs, one of which has a total membership of five. The Dead
End gang (approximate membership? I'd say about 5,000) cannot defeat
these five people, so they resort to the standard kidnapping plot in the
hopes that this will help them defeat these five guys who keep kicking
their asses. I can already tell it's not going to end well for the Dead
Enders.
Here we are on (where else) the mean streets. Vendetta is unsurprisingly similar to Crime Fighters,
which is to say it's a belt-scrolling beat-em-up with a couple of
slightly unusual differences. The first thing I always do when I visit a
new place for the first time, be it in a videogame or in real life, is
perform some kind of jumping attack. While this kind of behaviour might
get you kicked out of your local Pizza Hut, (they don't like footprints
all over the sneeze guards,) it's damn near essential in most
beat-em-ups... except Vendetta,
because you can't jump. Nope, the standard attack button / jump button
control scheme is replaced with a punch button and a kick button, which
means you can't leap around like a demented kangaroo. There is a jumping
attack of sorts, performed by pressing both buttons together, but it's
more like a long-range attack than anything. Sounds disappointing I
know, but the kick button redeems itself once you realise that Vendetta lets you pummel guys while they're on the floor.
Standing
over a downed opponent will allow you to unleash a barrage of blows (or
in Hawk's case, a very appropriate elbow drop). Sometimes you can even
use it to know down enemies who are clinging onto the edge of the stage
for dear life, sending them to whatever fatal doom waits below. Probably
sharks or something, I dunno.
Other than that, Vendetta is firmly fixed in standard beat-em-up territory. It's somewhat reminiscent of Konami's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
game, what with the health bar represented by vertical lines and the
score system being "one bad guy downed = one point". You know, that
doesn't seem a very fair system to me. Killing a boss, even the final
boss, is worth the same amount of points as kicking an ordinary street
punk into the sea? It's just going to lead to arguments, accusations of
people not pulling their weight and tensions within the Cobra gang. What
are they, Communists? Bosses should be worth ten points, easy.
And
speaking of bosses, here's the first freak who was granted a
lieutenant's position in the Dead End Gang due to a pituitary condition
that made him twice the size of an average street punk. He's called
Buzzsaw Bravado, because he gets his bravado from the buzzsaw he carries
around. He seems a happy enough guy even though his name does sound
like a terrible emo-pop band, so maybe carrying a powertool around
everywhere I go will help me overcome my crippling social anxiety. I'd
have to change my name to Anglegrinder Assurance or Sandblaster Swagger
or something. Deed poll, here I come.For all his bravado, Buzzsaw isn't that tough - this is mostly because you can brutally kick/punch/elbow drop the everloving shit out of him any time he falls over. This will become a common theme throughout Vendetta, so if you're the kind of sociopath that enjoys that sort of thing then boy are you in for a treat.
That's the formula set for the rest of the game then - no great surprise, but at least Vendetta has been nicely handled. It's certainly a big step up from Crime Fighters,
despite only being two years older: the graphics are much, much better,
character controls are slick and responsive (aside from their
occasional reluctance to perform their jumping attack) and the
difficulty level is much more balanced. There's almost none of Crime Fighters' tendency for bosses to catch you in a loop where they hit you over and over, for one thing.
Stage
two is a standard industrial area full of chain-wielding punks and
overweight luchador-KKK guys who need to stop trying so hard. I know you
just want to stand out from all the other jeans-and-a-sleeveless-jacket
thugs, man, but this isn't the way to go about it. You look like a WCW
wrestler from the nineties. A bad one. Like, Disco Inferno bad.
Joe
Ohsugi is the mid-boss, a vision in a black muscle vest and neon pink
jeans. He's some kind of ninja, apparently. You might think that's a
terrible outfit for someone in his profession, but think of it this way:
if you saw someone dressed like that, would you believe they were a
ninja? That's old Joe, always thinking. Too much thinking and not enough
fighting, actually: as you can see from that picture it's his goons
that are the real test.
Stage two's real boss is a rather less cerebral opponent: Missing Link, a feral brawler with a haircut straight out of The Muppets.
I should be worried about fighting him, but I'm more concerned with the
cryptic "Slime Balls rule OK" graffiti in the background. Are the Slime
Balls another gang? Or is it a message of solidarity, one man's tribute
to all the slimeballs in all the gangs that make this city such a hive
of scum and villainy? I hope it's the latter.
Stage
three next, and it's onto a set of slightly nicer-looking streets at
twilight. Why, there are even some Rob Halford impersonators wandering
around! They seem like friendly enough fellows...
Yep, very friendly. The strangest thing isn't so much that Mr. Leather here is humping you, it's the fact that it causes you damage.
What the hell is he packing down there? Please, don't answer that.
While my exposure to Japanese notions of homosexuality are limited to
say the least (mostly videogames, natch), gay men seem to be depicted as
one of three types: muscle-bound body-builders, androgynous pretty boys
or leather-clad Hard Gay types like my new buddy here.Unsurprisingly, these guys were removed from the Western releases...
...but
you can still punch a large-breasted, catsuit-wearing dominatrix right
in the face, so I guess whoever made the censorship decisions on this
one had their priorities in order. Konami must be on a quest to turn you
into a misogynist, because beating the dominatrixes gives you a whip,
the best weapon in the game.
After
a brief battle through a casino you'll reach the bosses of stage three,
the nattily-dressed Rude Bros. Their names make a lot of sense, if you
think "attempting to stab people to death" falls into the same category
as "rude". Under this new system, Macho Man Randy Savage becomes "Mr.
Man Randy Uncouth", Jack the Ripper will be renamed "Jack the Brusque"
and Vendetta itself will be retitled to Polite Disagreement.You might have noticed that the smaller Rude looks a lot like the Flea Man enemies from the Castlevania series, and indeed he fights in very similar manner. Like an irritating bouncing twat, I mean. Big Rude is less effective: all he can really do is look on while his much faster and more effective brother does all the work.
A
very short stage here, just a brisk walk down by the docks followed by a
boss fight with Kruel Kurt the anchor-wielding psychopath. Kruel Kurt
is, once again, a terrible name for a boss. He sounds like Garbage Pail
Kid. In fact, he looks a bit like Garbage Pail Kid, so I guess that
settles that. The best way to beat him is to wait for him to attack and
move out of the way - Kurt'll get his anchor stuck in the deck so you
can punch him while he tried to work it free.
It's time for the final stage already. Vendetta is not a very long game, but I'm sure there'll be plenty of interesting surprises waiting for me in the final area!
No!
Bad dog, get down! You can actually die from being humped to death in
this game, you know. It'd make the death certificate more interesting,
at least. "Cause of Death: Doberman Cock". I guess the real crime we're fighting here is the crime of not getting your pets spayed or neutered.
This screenshot really shows off my favourite thing about Vendetta:
the level of detail. Konami's arcade games of this period are known for
their excellent presentation and this is no exception. It's got good
music and sound effects, the backgrounds are full of detail and there
are a host of small touches that add to the overall flavour of the game.
For instance, you can pick up a bucket as a weapon and if you manage to
throw it onto an enemy it wedges on their head and they stumble around
blindly. Cement bags don't just do damage when thrown, but throw up a
cloud of dust that makes the enemies cough, letting you get a free hit
in. When a big enemy picks you up, you can hammer attack to kick them in
the gut, and sometimes your combos will strike your foe right in the
ballsack, complete with a little "ding" sound effect and a special
animation of them clutching their ruined gonads. It all adds up to turn Vendetta from a generic brawler to something that's definitely worth playing.
And
here's Faust, the final boss and imminent recipient of a flaming barrel
to the head. Surprisingly he's not that tough, with nowhere near the
levels of bullshit that you find with the later bosses in Crime Fighters.
Well, until he's nearly dead, that is: then he grabs a machine gun and
fires sprays of bullets that I couldn't for the life of me figure out
how to avoid. Mostly, I'm in awe of his hair. Look at that mane! No
wonder he's the boss.
With
some perseverance, Faust will fall and the Cobras rescue Kate and
become the undisputed criminal rulers of Dead End City. Now, let's all
go home and enjoy a nice...
... wait, what? Yes, much like its prequel Vendetta
has an extra stage at the end. It's a simple boss rush, because
apparently these clowns didn't learn their lesson first time around.
Oh
Kurt, will you never learn? You don't go toe-to-toe with Hulk Hogan,
especially when he's got a whip. Once you've pummeled your way through
the bosses for a second time, the game is finally over and you can all
live in peace and tranquility. Until the inevitable arguments about the
unfair scoring system flare up, at least.
All in all then, Vendetta
is definitely recommended at least for its charm if not it's wildly
innovative gameplay. Good music, nice graphics, a sense of humour and
the ability to kick guys in the nuts? How can you go wrong with that?
Oh, and a note to Castlevania fans: Listed in the credits under "Sound Design" is one M. Yamane - presumably this is Castlevania composer Michiru Yamane, which would explain why Vendetta sounds good.So, if you like scrolling brawlers and you haven't played it give Vendetta a go - just, you know, watch out for penises.
BONUS!
The US arcade flyer once again went down the route of using actual human meat-shapes to promote the game.
Also, crates. That is all.
